A Big Waste of Time

The other day when I was driving in my car(automobile), I realized something that I have always known, but never wanted to really deal with in my mind(brain).

Bicycle outfits are pointless and stupid.

I know, i'm being controversial right out of the gate, but seriously they really don't have a purpose in this world other than to make some people feel like they are something that they are not.

While driving in said automobile (car), I saw a man in jeans riding a road bike. Wait for it....
He was blazing past a group of people (humans) who were also road biking, but were covered from head to toe in "Cyclist Gear."

While some people (idiots) could make an argument that this garb is superior to other clothing one could wear while cycling, it's not.

In the end, the only people I see sporting this clothing are people who want to "feel" like a biker and are really not.

I'm at work, but I will get back to this topic soon.

I just wanted to feed my puppies

My Life Has Been Taken Over By The Nerd In Me

A Taste of Things To Come!

Twilight

Twilight. I'm sure everybody has been affected by this book in one way or another. Whether or not you have a sibling whom has been infected by this craze, or you yourself have succumb to the temptation, It's ok, I understand.

I read the first book and I am on the second book.
While I do not think that Stephanie Meyer is a good author, I do think that she has created a very interesting world that keeps the reader desiring to revisit every chance they get.

With that said, If you plan on reading this book, I beg you to not see the film.

I just got out of the theater not that long ago and it is certainly atrocious. It is not accurate to the book at all and in fact, makes the book seem like a literary masterpiece when you compare the two.

It isn't very accurate to the book and threw away what I felt were some of the best parts of the book.

SO in other words, I am a loser. I investigated the Twilight craze and I became a TWILIGHTER if you will, I wish you won't.

While you make fun of me, it will catch up to you one day. Oh yes it will. Soon you will be flipping the pages and desiring to know what Edward and Bella are up to.

All I ask is that you stay away from the film.

Please do so. Please.

Movie Reviews: The Second Installment

Here are the latest movie reviews from my brain.

Let the Right One In: This movie should have been called, "A suprisingly good film about preteen vampires that will make you leave the theatre thinking, 'I am pretty sure I just saw the most beautiful/horrific film ever made.'"

Quantum of Solace: This movie would be better suited with the titled. "Quantum of a whole lot of action with not a lot of story to back it up. However, it is a pretty amazing movie if you think about all the other Bond movies ever made, I mean come on, those movies are serious terrible. This may be one of the most horrible franchises in movie history. Yet, this one isn't bad. Go see it."

Finally,

Rolemodels: This film should have been called: "A suprisingly consistent and funny film. I mean you may predict every turn the story takes, but it is good for a solid hour and a half of chuckling. I mean, Reid saw it twice. Weird huh?"

I am aware these film titles are rather long, but they would at least inform the audience about the roller coaster ride (movie) they are about to embark on.

Thank you for your time

Guilty As Charged

I would like to think that I am a pretty good judge of music. However, no matter how I try to protect myself from certain types of music, it always finds its way in.

Case in Point: Paramore

Although I want to hate them, they got into my head. It started out as an innocent joke. Now it has just turned bad. Now I listen to them daily. It's really sick. Just so I don't feel alone, I put some videos up for you guys to get hooked also.

Enjoy:

Goolish!

It's almost Halloween time! This is really exciting for me. I am really sorry you guys if you wanted a super awesome serious post. I just wanted to let you know that I love Halloween!

I love it cause there is candy! And just to let you in on a secret "I have sweet teeth!"

It would be better if I just had a sweet tooth, but NOPE! I have multiple SWEET TEETH!

I don't floss either, bad combo. But in the end! What is God going to look at? The fact that I slide plastic (I think) between my teeth for 15 minutes a day, or the fact that I celebrated his love by inhaling Mars Bars.

Sidenote: Do you think that since God knows EVERYTHING, that he doesn't find as much joy in Choose Your Own Adventure novels as lets say, someone who doesn't know Everything.

Anyway, I love halloween. I'm going to be OBAMA. That way I can have fun, but also campaign!

Campaigning and Candy!

Here's the Cherry on top of the already delicious sundae.

I love to hang out with children! Don't get weird ed out America! I just enjoy spending time with them because I feel like they are going through emotionally what I face on an everyday basis. Questions like: "How can I possibly consume more candy?" and other questions like "How is a chowder different than other soups?"

Halloween is the only night I can do all of my favorite things. 1)Eat Candy 2) Campaign 3)Talk with people my mental age about things I'm interested in for a change!

Have a safe and fun Halloween!

3 Musketeers Please!

Tight Black Shirt

I know I have complained about the news before. However, it seems to be getting worse.

As I thumbed through the channels last night, I payed a little visit to CNN. I don't know why my mind was drawn to CNN, but it was. Information was being thrown at me from every direction. Not only was the little bar at the bottom of the television giving me information about Lindsay Lohan's latest drug bust, but also a portly man on the main screen was fiddling with an electronic map that in no way shape or form made sense. I am pretty sure that the brains behind CNN feel that if they have a $50,000 screen that lights in order to better explain the complex nature of the election, then viewers will trust that CNN has the "Real" Facts.
Yet they don't. Why? Because their main attraction is Anderson Cooper. An while he may look sexy gliding through terrorist jungles in a tight black T-shirt, he is still an idiot. I rarely ever see him actually explain the news. He always just assembles a panel of people who hate each other and who insist on arguing until the truth is revealed, which will never happen.

Yet, people trust men in tight shirts. They need the news flashy and "Raw." Cnn has Andy Coop whom is sexy, and Fox News has O'Reilly who just yells at people who don't share his ignorance.

It seems people would go crazy if they had to listen one mild mannered man tell, not shout, the news without hip and flashy graphics.

Until then, people like Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Cooper, Hannity and Skeletor, will be the bearer of news for 90% of the American people.

And that my friends, should scare the living ___________ out of you.

Post Script:

For those of you wondering why I put Hannity and Skeletor. It is because I think Colmes of Hannity and Colmes looks like Skeletor.

Proof is in the pudding:

The Good Ol' Days

Last Night,

My roommate and I watched the first installment of the Ken Burns documentary on the Civil War. It is a fascinating documentary, albeit the running time is nearly 15 hours. However, even though it was exciting to see how people who lived during this time reacted to the war around them, it was also discouraging in some places also.

One reason it was discouraging was because the generals of the Civil War had some really bizarre yet flattering nicknames. For example, there was a famous general during the beginning of the war whom was nicknamed "Ol' Fuss and Feathers." I'm sorry if you don't think that is just plain awesome. Imagine yourself walking into a bar, wearing clogs, and as soon as you break through those old salon doors you hear someone shout, "Hey Ol' Fuss and Feathers, we saved a seat fo ya!" That is certainly more excited then hearing the usual Santa Cruzian "Sup Bro."

What discouraged me about this was that those nicknames are long gone. The only nicknames I hear regularly are "dude", "butthead" and of course the aforementioned "Bro." I long for a good nickname, the kind that you hear that makes you wonder how someone could have ever been possibly given that title. How does someone get "Ol' Fuss and Feathers"? I don't know. Most importantly, I don't care. Cause it's probably a story I don't want to hear, but it's a nickname my ears salivate for. (Gross)

The other discouraging thing about this documentary was the fact that it was narrated by actors that were reading private journals of this period. Men whom took long hours of the day to dictate the days events in the most eloquent way possible. I cannot even begin to give an example because it is so beautiful.
This just made me sad because when people study the past ten years of our history, they won't find wordy journals. They will find blogs from 13 year olds and people such as I. It will read, "Today sucked butt. I totally got an F on my Paper. This girl text me today, I was like whatever...Bro. 9/11 was an inside job. I'm out!"

This is sad to me because I cannot picture Garrison Keeler's voice reading that.

I just long for the good old days. The days of Civil War. I bet that is the only time you will ever hear that sentence.

9/11 was an inside job. I'm out!

They're Coming to Get Your Barbara!

This weekend I am visiting my friend Jonny yet again in San Francisco. While it is always whimically ostensibly great to come here, tonight was especially wonderful.

We attended the Castro Theatre's "Shock It To Me" Festival.

The night consisted of a double feature of classic horror movies, Spider Baby and Night of the Living Dead. On top of this, the event was hosted by Ms.Monster, whom apparently is a national icon. As if this wasn't enough, Sid Haig was also there. If you are not familiar with this name, don't worry. Even if you "googled" him you probably wouldn't recognize him. Yet, for the .1% of morons who are familiar with his work in extremely low budget horror films, it was quite a treat.

While the movies were great to see on the big screen, I couldn't help but think about our host Ms. Monster. As the picture shows, she is a woman whom covers herself in blueish/green paint and makes appearances at horror movie conventions for a living. I just wondered how someone gets into that line of work. I cannot imagine that she makes really good money and I don't think her parents are super proud of their little girl's career choice. I just wonder where the satisfaction comes from. Who am I judge right?

I guess we all want attention. Heck I am probably just jealous that I didn't think of it first. She did make the event better, which in turn made me have a more enjoyable experience.

So in the end, I am proud of Ms. Monster. You go girl. You are the American dream.

Forget Joe the Plumber, the real working class hero is Ms. Monster.

Think about it, I just did.

Shallow

If you know me, I'm sorry.

If you know me, I can almost guarantee that I have asked you a question that attempts to gauge how shallow you are.

This question usually is formatted like this:
"What if you met the man/woman of your dreams, he was perfect in every way, except _____. Would you be able to spend the rest of your life with him/her?"

I have filled this blank in with many different scenarios such as, "he/she carried a Wii-Mote around their wrist everywhere they went." or "He/she would only get married if the song 'you spin me right round baby right round' would be the only song played throughout your wedding'". Or "he/she gagged uncontrollably everytime someone said the word croissant." Or "he/she Thought walking on their hands was the best way to reduce their carbon footprint." Or "Called Farts "rippers" and loved to tell everyone that she just "ripped a ripper" everytime you were in public."

The list is endless.

After asking ourselves these questions, we should (as Americans) found out just a little bit more about ourselves.

If you have any scenarios that you would like the share with the blog I am all ears.
I have to go. My girlfriend just ripped a ripper.

Watch This Video

A professor of mine showed me this video the other day. I really think all of you should sit down and take the time to watch it.

An Anthropological Introduction to YouTube.

Movie Reviews!

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

Review: This movie should have been called Nick and whatever this movie seriously is terrible.

That's all for today folks!

There Goes My Hero

Isn't she great? She's so funny. Ohh...Tina. Ron Bergundy?

The Debate is Tonight!

This isn't meant to be funny, but since Bill O'Reilly is involved it may be impossible not to laugh.

Tonight, the debate appears to be on. That is exciting.
I urge all of you to watch it and know what the candidates are saying FROM THEIR OWN MOUTHS.

Don't watch Fox News, Don't watch CNN.

Listen to their words. Listen to their words.

This just came to me because I saw the Bill O'Reilly/Obama interview.
I am not an ardent Obama supporter but I would like to think I know a terrible interview when I see one.

It just makes me sad that millions of people not only suffer through, but enjoy hearing Mr. O'Reilly speak.

He never lets anyone talk and rationalizes it by saying that he is trying to "speed things along."

An interview is based on the simple question and answer format. Yet, it appears from videos like these that he asks the question and before 6 words leaving the interviewees mouth, he is attacked.

I don't know, maybe it is just me.

All I know is, watch the debate. Listen to these men's words. Make as sound a decision as your can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XW7tkN-_GM

News

I am on a recent mission to know exactly what is going on in the world. I know that is nearly impossible since I am reading mostly the San Fran Chronicle and that means I am learning only what they
(The Bad People) feel is important.

I am mostly greeted by headlines that say, "Obama is doing this bad." "Mccain is older than first pyramid." "Presidential Candidates cause quite a ruckus at hotel vending machine!"
You get the picture.

While I know this presidential race is very important, the constant flow of what the candidates are doing is not very exciting. In fact, it is only good for inducing comas.

Just when I thought I had given up on the news, I stumble upon the beauty that is MSNBC. I don't really know what MSNBC means but I think it must stand for: MEN whom Support NEWS BECAUSE it is just plain SILLY!

My reasoning for this is because of a simple headline that they had on their online newspaper. It reads, and I quote: "Man Goes to Court After Butt Stapled Shut."

I don't even have a joke that is good enough to follow that.

For those of you whom don't believe me, haters, I have provided the link:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26855727

Casa De Not Telling the Truth

For those of you who are familiar with the Casa de Fruta establishment along state route 152, you know that they are a bunch of filthy liars.

If you are called Casa de Fruta (House of Fruit, Fruit House) then you better damn be a only a house with fruit in it. Yet, these Fruta people have the nerve to not only sell fruit, they also have an abundance of other attractions. Including a Chevron station, restaurant, train station, bird cages, pie house, and other stupid things. If they were honest and didn't want to be accused of false advertisement, which they should be, they would be called Casa de Fruta y casa de Chevron station y other establishments that are muy estupido.

Sorry, I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

If Mcdonald's started to sell Persian rugs along side their burgers, their would be a mutiny on their hands and someone would pull an "Old Yeller" on Mr. Ronald McDonald. Unless of course they called it Mcdonald's burger place and Persian Rug Emporium.

I don't want much, just honesty in my fruit sales.

Funky Brewster

A couple of weeks ago. My roommate and I were wizarding around town the other day, when we noticed a vacuum shop off in the distance. Before we go any further, if you happen to be unfamiliar with wizarding it is nothing more than roaming about town while wearing a cape and/or wizarding staff. Staff's vary in size and power ability but even the feeblest of staff's can catapult you into being considered "one who wizards about town", or even a "wizarder."
Anywho, as we were wizarding about town, we stumbled upon (due to our long cape) a small vacuum shop. This shop was not very easy on the eyes. In other words if it were a person, we would tell our friends that he/she was "nice" rather than "gorgeous." Upon entering we realized that once you made your way past the vacuums, you entered into a world of Beer. Beer making supplies covered the walls. Different types grains and hops and whatnot were within inches of our fingertips. So rather than backing out honorably, we marched out of the shop with 60 dollars worth of items that might go horribly wrong since they had now been put in the wrong hands.
Getting home, my roomate and I were dumbfounded at the process of making beer. It seemed to me that nothing good can come from liquid sitting in a bucket for two weeks. Yet, we proceeded to cook our ingredients believing in our hearts that we were doing good for our country. Once we poured our ingredients into the bucket, our house smelled as though 30 ailing cats somehow managed to find their way in our house and die. Some of these cats I presume must have also recently caught fire since there was no way to account of the smell of fur and charcoal.
After a taking a short breather and a chance to rationalize and cope with what we were doing, my roomate and I let the beer sit.
It is still sitting to this day. I have no idea how it is going to turn out. My other roomates wonder when these childish antics will cease, yet we haven't even tried our first batch and we have already commenced on our 2nd and 3rd batch.
If you would like pointers on the beer making process, ask a professional.
If you would like to be a guinea pig, call us.
If you would like no part of this asinine behavior, more power to you.

Our Rotten Elders

In 1999, Tom Brokaw wrote and introduced the world to "The Greatest Generation." This book chronicled the lives of men and women from the United States of America. The great Americans dealt with the turmoil caused by the Second World War. These people witness things that following generations could not even fathom. Yet, while Mr. Brokaw could be right that they were at one time part of the greatest generation, many of them have no split off and formed one of the meanest mobs of angry old farts this world has ever seen.

While I am indebted to them for being able to do the things that I don't believe I could face, I don't deserve to be treated like a dirty plague carrying rat every time they feel I messed up on their coffee beverage. That's right, I am a barista. I am even somewhat egocentric. However, I just don't know why members of the greatest generation always generate most of my emotional stress at work.

Don't get me wrong, there are still some great older people out there. Some men like, let's say Bob, coming gallivanting through the door with the most contagious smile on their face. When they reach the counter, they clearly state their order and no matter how it turns out, this drink seems to be the most wonderful part of the day. They then breeze out of the cafe nearly crying because they feel so fortunate to have had another day in which they could sit, drink a coffee, and talk to their neighborhood friendly barista. These are good times.

Yet, there are others. The Others. Whom clearly have a vendetta against me as soon as they can force their way through the doors. Once in, they are ready to consume. Throwing human emotions aside, they mumble their order and expect me to know exactly what they want. When I attempt to clarify their order, they look at me as though I had just stepped on the head of their favorite dog, presumably named Lilly. Now that "Lilly" is dead, they hate me. No matter how marvelous this drink is, it takes like a tall glass of urine to them and they only thing that would satisfy them now is a quart of my blood. I am not saying old people are vampires, well maybe I am. Anyway, after this unsatisfying experience, they pull out a dollar from their pocket as if to give a tip, then quickly put it back in their pocket.

I cannot wait to be old

Labor Day

One of the greatest things about our country is that anything you can think of has most likely happened. More specifically, anything that you can think of, no matter how awful it is, has probably been covered in a late night with Jerry Springer episode. Yet, I think I might have thought of something that hasn't been covered on late night TV.

Our world, is not very smart. While there are intelligent people on this earth, they are few and far between. Hence why most of the stuff people look at online are videos of people doing stupid things. Nobody searches youtube for, "Guy who does incredibly hard math equation really fast" or "Awesome Debate Team Footage." Those videos aren't popular. Instead people (you) search for things such as, "Dog bites mans crotch in slow motion" and "Fart Videos" and "Nasty Fart Videos." To make a long story short, many people on this world are not very smart and they are revered by the public.

However, I don't think anyone who is pregnant has ever induced labor a couple of days just so their baby could be born on labor day.

I know you are just thinking, "Wow Reid, This is just Brainless."

Well so is the public and if you were to ask them, "Why do we have labor day?"

They would respond by drooling. Cause all they can think about is the day off that they have from work.

Since nobody really knows, nor cares, about the origins of labor day, then I believe that someone could actually think, "That must be the day that people have babies."

So while I started off this blog thinking that surely nobody could be that stupid, I just convinced myself that it is possible. Sad Times.

Enjoy Your Labor Day!

Nothing Impressive

I had the opportunity to dine with my parents the other evening and of course, I accepted. While this should have been a pleasant experience, it was not. The reason being that our "waiter" decided to receive our order without writing it down. Keep in mind, that there were six people whom were also ordering various appetizers along with their main entrees.
To me, this is not impressive. Not at all. I am having a really hard time trying to wrap my mind around why people would choose to do this.
Even if the server remembers everything, which I have yet to see, this "trick" of theirs would only make me think, "neat."
I think many people are in this boat because I don't think that anyone would actually stop a server to say, "My goodness son you have some serious talent. Develop that would you? Hone in on that gift because you are certainly blessed. If not for me, do it for the world. The betterment of mankind if you will. Cause if you won't. You will let us all down. You might even speed up global warming."

Let's face it. This is no reward for doing this. It doesn't make your establishment any more respectable. It just makes it more annoying when you have to switch plates with your neighbor since you server could not remember where anything was supposed to be.

It's silly. Just silly. Stop it silly servers. Stop it.

P.S - If I were to open up a restaurant, not only would my servers write EVERYTHING down, the establishment would be called, "Reid's house of wizardry, Espresso, and people who like to have a good time, fun time hang out zone!"

Sad News

Sorry, I know this is not a happy post.

A band that has been a big part of my youth is the Dave Matthews Band. I have seen this band numerous times and every time it was an amazing and beautiful experience. I looked at the news tonight and it saddened me to learn that on of the founding members Leroi Moore died today at the age of 47.

There is really nothing to say. It is just a really hard thing to swallow.

So if you guys have a spare moment, listen to a Dave Matthews Band.

I wish I had something profound to say.

The Dentist Office

I, Reid Volk, took a friendly stroll to my hometown dentist yesterday. While I know that almost everyone has had their share of horrific experiences inside this house of pain, I am going to divulge to you the mental notes that I took down today during my visit.

First off, I was made aware that the dentist wanted to see me when they called my mother and told her that I was, "...due for a visit." When I first heard this, I accepted. Why Not I said to myself. The dentist is just something that we do. We are due there twice a year.
Yet, it dawned on me while I was in the chair that I don't like that the dentist is the only place we are "due." It as if at some time long ago we belonged to the dentist, but out of the kindness of their heart they agreed to release us into the custody of our parents. Their only stipulation being that we are "due" to come "home" twice a year so they can prod inside of our mouths with powertools. It is as if we are nothing but library books. Library books that can never seen to please, no matter how much we brush or floss. It is just never good enough.

Secondly, The lead vest. When the dentist desires to obtain pictures of your mouth, he lets his little minions do all of the dirty work. Already, I have a hard time trusting this "Dentist", so as you can imagine I have little faith in his indentured servants. Ostensibly, the lead vest that is placed on your chest is there to protect you from harmful rays that are misfired from the camera. This gesture usually provides a small sense of security all the way up until the nurse points the camera (death ray) at your head! On top of this, the nurse has to leave the room before she takes the picture. I don't know much, but I know this much is true, if the nurse has to leave the room before she is willing to operate a machine and that machine is within inches of your brain, a lead vest isn't doing anything. The vest is just there to hold you down.

Thirdly, if you look around the room that you are imprisoned, you will see examples of "good" and "bad" sets of teeth. This just made me wonder, how does one approach someone to ask if they could take a picture of their "bad" teeth. Do they explain to the patient that this photo is going to be displayed in offices across the world to show teens the havoc that can be wrecked upon their teeth if they wish to "go down that path." I feel like that would be a pretty hurtful conversation. However, I feel that if your teeth were that bad, you would have to know things like that were coming. I mean, ignoring your teeth to the point of where they rot out of your jaw has to almost take as much determination as lets say...writing your dissertation. It entails long and arduous hours of throwing hundreds of years of medical knowledge out the window and telling yourself that hygiene is for fools. Also, Whenever people gasp in horror the moment you open your lips, you have to lie to yourself and think "they were probably looking at something behind me, surely not my mouth. It is fine. It hurts, but it is fine. It bleeds constantly. But I am doing the right thing. I always cry when I try to eat, but I am totally being smart about this."
Also, Who are these people who have the perfectly beautiful and most photogenic teeth. I believe them to be dentures because as I stated before, you can never please the dentist. If the dentist ever said, "Wow, I really don't have to do anything, looks like you've really been letting your gums have it! They look fantastic! And your teeth...Sweet Mary...Somebody get a camera...heaven resides in this young man's mouth", I would think I was on punk'd and when Ashton came out...I would eat his face.

Lastly (is that a word?),
In the waiting room I was asked to fill out a form so that way the dentist would have updated information regarding my health. As I scanned through this litany of seemingly superfluous questions, there was one that caught my eye. On this delicate piece of yellow paper read the question, and I repeat: "Have you ever been diagnosed with TRENCH MOUTH?"
Even writing this now I am aghast at this question.

I have never even heard of Trench Mouth. The closest connection in my mind I could make to this was Trench Foot, Which is where you feet can itch and swell due to prolonged exposure to damp unsanitary conditions. Yet, I don't think there has been a case reported of this sense World War 1, when people were actually in trenches. Thank goodness I have never been in a trench, but I highly doubt that the inside of my mouth is akin to one. Maybe it is, I mean it is damp all the time. Unsanitary...maybe...I would like to say no, but frequent late night stampedes to my friend Mcdonald's house has me thinking otherwise. Maybe my mouth is a trench. I don't know how I feel about that. I just don't want to see myself in the future saying things like, "Man that burger looks soooo good. I can wait to put that in my trench."

Anyway, I will stop ranting about this place. I am sure it does a lot of good when people willfully desire to be there. Yet, I will never know what that is like. For even though I may despise the place, I will always dutifully comply when they tell me I am "due."

My Interview With Santa, Part 1

This is part 1 of my interview with Santa. If there were a Santa and I was lucky enough to secure some of his time.

Caution: This interview is riddled with notes about my own personal experience so just know that there is a major bias.

Transcript as follows:

(Santa sits in a bright blue comfortable chair that I picked out from Ikea just for this occasion. It takes a while for him to get comfortable and throughout the interview he never seems to be able to sit still. He looks a bit disheveled, as though he just woke up from a 14 hour nap(coma). However, his magical glow still seems to be intact and he is by no means drab.)

Reid: Good Evening Mr. Santa
(Sidenote: Santa only agrees to conduct this interview in the late night hours. When I inquire further as to why this is, he erupts with nervous laughter and tip toes around the question. All I can get out of him is that he feels that the sunlight, "Burns." Upon hearing this, I attempt to lighten the mood with the comment that he must be a vampire since the sunlight "burns" him. Santa's laughter halts as soon as the vampire comment leaves my mouth. There is a about thirty seconds of silence before Santa states, "I don't believe in vampires." After pondering the irony in that statement for about a minute, I figure we have gotten off track enough and decide to truly begin the interview.)

Santa: Good Evening to you to Reid. (Santa's very cordial)

Reid: It's a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance, you being very famous and all.

Santa: I understand. (Again, very cordial)

Reid: First off, Are you riding the Obama Train or are you a Mccain kind of man?

Santa: Who?

Reid: Sorry, nevermind

(This political question disaster didn't help Santa's incessant fidgeting. I am starting to think his diet consists mainly of Espresso Beans.)

Reid: Alright, in hopes to dispel internet rumors that are running rampant in the "Blogosphere" (A bit of laughter ensues), Is it true, Mr. Santa, that you were in the First World War?

Santa: Well, this certainly dates me, and I haven't dated in years!
(I am not sure what Santa was trying to get at, but this attempt at a humorous play on words didn't impress me one bit and I did not indulge him with laughter)

Santa: (Continuing) Anyway, as I was saying this dates me and shows that I am very old, but indeed I was a chef in the "Great War." I was part of Baker Company. I used to joke with my friends that I was the "Baker of Baker Company." This didn't seem to amuse anyone but me though and with all the rationing that was happening with grains during this time, it was nearly impossible to bake anything. I was just forced to make chow, which consisted of fried fatback mixed in with lake water. On top of that, I was transfered to another company later on that year so that joke died....as did a lot of my friends.

(That last comment was a hard fastball that I didn't see coming. Who would have known Santa had lots of hidden pain. From then on there was a somber elephant that seemed to be in the room with us the rest of the time, and I didn't like it one bit. I knew I had to change the subject...fast)

Reid: How are things going around the Pole? (Of course I was referring to the North Pole, I found that slang is conducive to keeping the atmosphere fun and casual.)

Santa: Things...Things are good. (Coughing,wet hacking coughs) Well, the North Pole is still a beautiful place to live. Quiet, cold, good place for a family, my wife and I love it dearly. However, I don't know what is to become of it with this scare of Global Warming. My wife and I recently saw "An Inconvenient Truth," which was a feat because most Dvd players don't work in the temperatures we live in, however the film certainly did strike a cord with us. What will become of our rivers of ice? Our...

(Santa ranted on for some time about the destruction of his home. Although I wanted to provide him solace, I kept thinking how hard it would be on him if he had to move to to the United States. He would most likely hate it here and I don't feel as though the citizens would be too welcoming of him. His decision to wear red all day with big black boots would surely be mocked by the American citizens who adhere to all of the incoming and out coming trends. Santa would never give up his black boots for Ugz. Poor guy. Not to mention his weight problem, I bet all of his friends sardonic commentary on his fatty appearance would surely get to him. Soon the public would see him at Weight Watchers meetings every weekend. I am sure he would end up losing all that "unsightly" weight in a year. Then instead of kids happily staying up late to see a Jolly old fat man coming down their chimney, kids would stay in bed just so they won't have to witness the emaciated man in a red suit that is way to big for him struggle to carry the giant bag of toys down the chimney and eventually pass on the milk and cookies left out for him because he had already used up all of his "food points" for the day.
And the paparazzi, they would have a field day. He would slowly be driven to insanity and be seen hanging out with Lindsay Lohan or adopting children from third world countries. I don't know everything, but I do know that life would be hard for Santa in America)

PART TWO OF MY INTERVIEW WITH SANTA WILL COME SOON!

My Love to Admire

I know this is late. But Amazon Mp3 once and a while has great deals. Tonight, they posted Interpol's "Our Love to Admire" is up for 2.99. Maybe you don't know Interpol, or what you have heard hasn't been very swell.

However, this is an amazing album and its only three bucks. Give it a chance. Seriously.

This is a silly post, but seriously Interpol,amazing band,Our Love to Admire, amazing album, Reid, amazing blogger.

You cannot go wrong. Check it out

Don't Touch

I just have to say something. My sister in law is pregnant. I mean really pregnant. While that is life changing and all that jazz, It got me thinking about how pregnancy is not only a violation of your body from your inside, but more importantly the outside too.

I get it, the baby is your baby. So your not going to care that is taking up all the room that your vital organs use to have. That is not the problem.

Most people see a pregnant belly as an open invitation for petting. I am not saying that I have ever been pregnant or that I know what it is like, but I have been around enough pregnant people to know that a lot of people feel like it is ok just to come up and rub their hands all over the swollen stomach. Again, I have never been pregnant, but I am sure that out of all times in my life, that is not the time I really want a lot of people touching me.

Other than that, I've got nothing else.

Go see the Dark Knight

My Osment Moment

Something horrible happened yesterday

I was in my Intro to Lit class when I realized that I misplaced my writing utensil. This didn't phase me until the teacher asked the class to complete a writing assignment. After a brief panic attack, I asked the girl in front of me if I could use a pen. There was a verbal response, I think, and shortly after she handed me the pen. I was so happy. That moment restored my faith in humanity. War, Genocide, Hunger...these were all thrown to the curb because this little act of kindness made me forget about the bad things in the world. In return, I wanted to do something nice for someone else. I desired to "pay it forward" if you will. I wanted to be like Haley Joel Osment without the DUI and marijuana possession charges.

However, as soon as my little "Osment" moment came, it went.

The girl that lent me the pen uttered two words that changed my life.

As soon as she handed me the pen she said, "Keep It"

At first, I thought to myself, "What a sweetheart! Me? Keep It? Oh, I don't think I could do something like...Thank You"

Yet, after thinking about it I realized that she didn't want it back because she probably thinks that I am a filthy human being. After my vile hands touched her precious Bic Pen, how could she ever take it back?

What did I do? It really cut me to the core. I felt helpless. Like Haley Joel Osment must feel like right when he thinks about his career.

You know, I enjoyed the Sixth Sense, but never when I first saw it did I think him and I would have so much in common.

Perplexed by Chinese Food

Those who read my blog know that although I believe there are important issues that need to be discussed, I seem to always seem to write about the little things that irk me in life. For some reason, as I was about to go for a run today my mind somehow stumbled upon Chinese food. At first I thought to myself, "Chinese food, Why would I think of that? How silly of me!" However, that thought quickly changed to, "Chinese food...What is Chinese food? Why is Chinese food?

I really don't know. Nor do I have the time to research all of the possible things that haunt the kitchens of your local Panda Express, I do know that places such as Panda Express explicitly boast about the fact that their food does not contain MSG (Monosodium glutamate). This scares me a bit. This means that MSG, which has a well known reputation for wrecking havoc on the human body, is a mainstay in the Chinese food community. Since it is such a prominent ingredient in Chinese food, places such as Panda Express have to boast that this chemical doesn't reside in their customer's sweet and sour pork. Maybe this doesn't freak anyone else out. I just don't like that a particular type of food restaurant has to constantly promote that their food won't cause people to have an early death. I mean come on, that should just be a give. Food sustains life and restaurants shouldn't have to constantly have to earn the trust of their customers. Yet, most people do not heed these warnings and they indulge their hunger for Kung Pao chicken. These are most likely the very same people who still think Phen Phen was a fantastic achievement in medicine.

Speaking of Pills, I think a bottle of pills is just about as filling as a couple of containers of Chow Mein. On top of that, they are probably equally as lethal.

I know there are some communists out there who will probably be appalled at my condemnation of Chinese food. However, I am not saying that it is the worst thing out there. I am very aware that places like Mcdonalds and Taco Bell are destroying people's chances at a healthy life. I just chose Panda Express because I have never seen a banner out in front of Taco Bell that read, "Come In! Tacos for under a Dollar! We promise you won't die!"

Tegan and Sara

I just found this band last night. I am like a giddy schoolgirl. I am going to a record store to buy their albums right now. I know this is crazy, but so far what I have heard is pretty darn amazing. I think my readers should know this too.

Tegan and Sara

Do yourself a favor

An Enigma

As my girlfriend was flipping through the channels today my eyes fell upon a familiar face. Someone who has been in my life from as early as I can remember. Someone whom has been there for me through thick and thin....short and tall. However, as I sat and thought of all her the person's lovely qualities, I realized I know nothing about her. To think of her is merely second nature, but what to think of her I fear I don't know. This enigmatic figure that I am referring to is yep you guessed it: Kimmy Gibbler.

Kimmy Gibbler never went by Kim, or just Kimmy. It was always Kimmy Gibbler. While this seems like a minor detail, she wouldn't be the same if you were to only acknowledge her using her first name. Her last name personified who she was: A Gibbler.

Kimmy Gibbler was always welcome into the Tanner Residence. While she may have been annoying, she was cordial. While she may have caused her fair share of mishaps, she was always there to offer kind words to her best friend D.J. She wasn't just the next door neighbor from Full House, She was America's next door neighbor.

But...I have come to a sad conclusion. After watching a few episodes I have realized that American never got to see Kimmy's parents. Kimmy rarely ever mentioned them. When someone brings them up on the show, Kimmy always finds a way to make a joke out of it.

This is no joke. If my daughter was spending at least 3/4 of the day over at her friend's house, I would want to know what was going on. Especially if there were 3 dads living in that house and there was a camera crew filming their every move. Maybe I am just old fashioned but I would be a bit skeptical.

I know you guys are thinking, "Why blog about this Reid?"

Why Not? I mean Why Not?

Where is this poor girl's family. I think if we could meet her parents we would understand their daughter a lot better.



If anyone has any information let me know. I am worried sick about her.

On Being Paranoid

I don't really know where I got it from, but I suffer from bouts of anxiety. One day, I will be doing just fine...yet if a monkey wrench gets thrown into my usual plans...all goes to hell.

As posted before, I think shows like Oprah have made our world constantly paranoid. Everything will eventually kill us. Put an extra packet of sugar in your coffee as opposed to your usual one, and you might as well start researching coffins on Costco.com.(Seriously they sell coffins there)

Although I poke fun at these shows and how they affect our society, I cannot say that they have no had an impact on my life.

The past few nights I have been having what can be described as "heart fluttering."
After trying to pass if off as a muscle spasm, my brain started to think. Whether it was due to my actual nerves or the fact that I had been watching X-Files at the time, I started to become paranoid. What was inside of my body that was making my heart do this? Was this irregularity in my heartbeats due to caffeine, exercise, or Aliens. After I discounted the last one, I started to look on the always inviting google.

It seems that google is now synonymous with "answer" lately. At least for me, whenever there is a question that is troubling me, I look to my friend google because there is surely no other credible source.

I am getting off track. After searching google for a little while I came upon forum after forum of people who were posting their experiences with "heart fluttering." Now keep in mind that nothing that I looked at were websites of legitimate doctors. To me this makes sense because if doctors can make a thousand dollars just for making you take your pants off in a small white room, why would they give away free advice on the internet?

Yet, the absence of doctors didn't trouble me. It also didn't trouble me that rather than looking at websites such as "Health Talk" or "Virtual Doctor", I stumbled upon sites such as "Bob's Health Talk" and "BringPartyofFivebackontheair.com"

I was just amused that there were people who were experiencing what I was: seemingly imminent death. Not only did they write about their own personal terrors, they used the same exclamation points that I would have used had I posted. I AM DYING!!!!
My World is Ending? Jason Priestly is a God?!

Anyway, just by knowing that there are other people out there who experience what I am, I feel better. I don't really know where this post is going but I guess if millions of people are going to freak out about their health, at least they are in the crowd and aren't going through it alone.

I will probably die in my sleep

Me

I Got Nothing!

Dreamy Discussion

I have done it. I have come across a picture that has truly baffled me.

Witness this:


What are these men talking about? Also, why is it so important that men have set up lawn chairs to witness this historic event? Also, is that a referee against that back wall? Is this a show down? Maybe they are discussing the up and coming election. Maybe they are being passive aggressive while they discuss their favorite episode of Felicity. I don't know. I don't know if I should know. This may be too much for the world to handle.

What do you guys think?

Citizen Soldier

Has anyone been to a movie theater in the past year? If so, there is a good chance that you have seen this stellar monument of AMERICAN Music!

Three Doors Down - Citizen Soldier



Three Doors Down's genius is threefold.

1) They wrote a catchy song. The chorus is so rudimentary and predictable that even a Zombie could pick up the tune after one listen. Trust me, that is something special. Decaying vocal chords make it really hard to even hum, but Three Doors certainly circumvented that challenge and picked up a new demographic!

2) Most teenage men can relate to the lyrics. Certainly anyone who is listening to Three Doors Down isn't looking to pick up hidden meanings in the songs, metaphors, intellectual musings, or really anything for that matter. As shown in example one, a listener doesn't need a brain to enjoy this. HOWEVER!, those with brains hear the words "Citizen, Soldier" and their ears perk. They think to themselves, "I am a Citizen! I Desire to Be A Soldier! I can relate to this, I'm not alone after all." Yet, they are alone. Always

3) Gross Military Funding! Their video shows young "Citizen Soldiers" AKA "White Nameless Americans" running through generations of America's crusades for freedom,justice, and the right to own a 64 inch plasma TV while millions starve to death each day. These soldiers run amid hails of gunfire and while their enemies parish, they remain unscathed.

I just think it is all genius. I mean, how else are you going to try to subversively recruit people by showing them severely distorted images of war? Answer: A Catchy Rock Anthem!

Three Doors Down, I salute you.

Oregon

I am in Oregon right now. It is really beautiful. It's very sunny during the day and the nights have a slight breeze that make you feel like your wrapped in a blanket of air...and lust.

Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "Oregon is so beautiful, why don't more people talk about this place as being one of the greatest places to live?"

I really had to think about it. Yet, I figured it out.

It is because people that live here are known as Oregonians. I don't think anyone has ever referred to themselves as an Oregonian and felt respected. They know that they are being scoffed at. Even inside their very own heart, they know the words, "I am an Oregonian" sound just plain stupid.

Then it occurred to me, I don't know if I could live here. Can you imagine the situations you would get in?

"Hey"
"Hey, I'm Reid How are you?"
"Good, My throats a little dry, but overall good. You?"
"Not bad, thanks for asking. Are you from around here?"
"No, I'm from Michigan. We got lakes, we like it that way, Where are you from?
"Oregon"
"haha. Really? Would you consider yourself an Oregonian?"
"(Silence)"
(Fatality)

Although I love it here, that situation may be a little too emotionally traumatic to deal with.

Interstellar Speech

I just thought that everyone should know a comforting fact. That the first speech ever to leave Earth and be broadcast into space was Hitler's Speech at Nuremberg. So if there is alien life, the first thing they hear from Earth is the sweet sounds of Adolf Hitler. The most loving, tolerant man on the face of the planet.

Doesn't that just warm your heart?

Announcement

A exciting blog will be posted soon on this page. It will be jointly authored by Friendly Banter and Mr. Johnny (Hot House Tomatoes) Hutchings. It will tackle a huge issue troubling the American public today. So stay tuned and don't comment unless you have something fruitful to say.

- Gordon Lipshits

An Open Letter to Lauren Hill

Dear Miss Hill,
I know that you don't know me at all, but there is something I need to say to you.I am a 22 year old white male that grew up in a small town. I have grown up in a very exciting time for music. While the record industry is diminishing, the music industry is flourishing. Artists who desire to have a career with music no longer have to be one of the very few "lucky" artists picked by the label big wigs. Artists can work hard and find their way to the mainstream via the internet. While there is something majestic about "good old days" of music, the public is now able to experience a wide variety of sounds would otherwise have gone unheard. Artists are really able to use the breadth and width of their creative minds and have it heard by people on most continents. It is a very exciting time. Although I am really sad to see the decline of the cd, I think music is thriving more than ever.

However Miss Hill, there are some people out there would don't want to make creative music. Especially in the realm of Rap and Hip-Hop. I have been a fan of Rap and Hip-Hop for a while. My first taste of the genre came with Young Mc's album "Stone Cold Rhymin." As I continued to grow I learned to love the emotion and versatility of artists such as Tupac, Bone Thugs in Harmony, Outkast (Early Stuff),Wu-Tang Clan, and other artists of that nature. While Rap has always been victimized as "rotten music" and "bad for the kids", these early artists showed me how much this music has to offer. Yet, it wasn't until the past five years that I realized just how touching Hip-Hop can be. Albums such as Mos-Def's "Black on Both Sides", Talib Kweli's "The Beautiful Struggle", The Roots "Phrenology", and most importantly Lauren Hill's "The Miseducation of Lauren Hill." These are the albums I turn to when anyone tries to say rap/Hip-Hop isn't music. Your album set a bar in music all across the board that is nearly impossible to beat and have only heard a handful of artists that can tap into what you did on that album. Yet, I am not only hear to praise you, I am here to ask you something.

Once you left music you left a big hole in the hip hop community. While other powerful female artists such as Erykah Badu are certainly amazing, they cannot fill your shoes. This is really depressing because good artists are few and far between. Most rap/hip hop that is heard by kids today are from artists that are still on a mission to soley make money. Artists such as Flo-Rida and Souja-Boy create music that is more or less worthless. Sure some people just like a good beat, but aside from that this music has little reason to exist.

While your Unplugged album is another masterpiece, you haven't done anything since and I am asking you to come back. Come back and bring good hip hop back to kids ears. By the time I have kids I don't want the hip hop industry flooded by Flo-Ridas.
We need heart, we need soul, we need you.

No matter what you choose I will support you. I just wanted to let you know how much your music means to a 22 year old white kid. Thank you

Reid Volk

Myspace: Good or Bad?

I am having trouble finding a reason why I have one. To put cool videos or pictures on? I don't know

I don't think their is a reason.

I'm sure sexual predators love this site, so I don't want to ruin all the fun for them, but I don't really myspace has positively contributed to our society.

It has just give more people a sense that they are unique. By putting cool pictures and music, people seem unique. Yet, the truth of the matter is that most people don't like who they are. So they project an image online that is not themselves. So while they may seem unique on their page, their not. Their just another person looking for love and friends. Yet, while myspace calls themselves a place for friends, your not meeting actual people. You are coming into contact with what that person wants to be.

All I am saying is that it is not helping our society.

Why I Love Australian Women

I read something fantastic today. According to ABC News: A study has found one third of Australian women have admitted to drinking alcohol when pregnant - and most would do it again.

Australia women are now some of my favorite people in the world.

Why you ask? Because they don't give a darn about what they eat and drink when they are pregnant.

This is all part of a long line of thinking so don't be mad if your lost, let me explain.

First off, don't get me wrong. I think modern medicine is pretty fantastic. People are living longer and people are overcoming diseases that they couldn't before. Polio - Cured, Small Pox - Cured, Bubonic Plague - Contained? Doesn't matter. Western Medicine has come a long way. However, while we have rid the world of some horrible diseases, there has been an extreme rise in Hypochondriasis.

For those of you who don't know what that is, A Hypochondriac is someone who interprets normal body sensations as a major medical problem. Example: If one day you have an itch on your nose and it causes you to think that you have Bird Flu, then your a Hypochondriac.


The reason for the rise in Hypochondriasis is two-fold:
1) Doctors
2) Oprah

Number # 1:Doctors
Thats right. These doctors that are curing diseases are now making people afraid of everything. They know we will listen. They know we will do anything they say. They know if we come in with a cough and they tell us to snort tuna through a crazy straw two times each night,we will do it. No matter how absurd we think it is, we will do it. Don't say you won't. You will, deal with it.
Since they know we will do everything they say, they screw with us. They tell us not to eat this, don't eat that, that will kill you, this vegetable will ruin your marriage, ETC... That's the bottom line, they know we will hang on every word they say, so they talk alot. Since they constantly come out with things for us to be afraid of, we cannot eat anything without thinking of something a "doctor" said. Therefore we live in fear and seemingly normal foods make us feel like we are going to die right after we eat them. Doctor's have made us hypochondriacs. Doctor's are evil.

Number # 2: Oprah
I have defended this lady in the past, but not now...not ever again. Oprah brings these so called "doctors" on each day and these "doctors" are allowed to deliver their words of fear on national television EVERY DAY! On top of that, I have seen many times Oprah telling the American public not to eat this, or not do this because she heard from a doctor that it is bad for you. While this type of stuff is all over television,Millions and millions of people watch Oprah each day. This lady controls the hearts and minds of all women over 30 living in America. Since these women are primarily the ones shopping and serving the food in the household, everyone in the family suffers.

(Don't get mad because I said women are the ones serving the food, Yes I know women are equal to men and it isn't fair that women get stuck with stereotypes that they belong in the kitchen. But, it doesn't mean we cannot be honest and say that women primarily handle the food. If you disagree, get a blog. Chances are you already have one)

With the doctor's creating the fear and Oprah's television program spreading the fear to nearly every household in America, there has been a steady rise in Hypochondriasis.

Now that we have that established, it allows me to bring it back to my original point: Pregnant women from Australia are my new favorite kinds of people because they drink beer when they are pregnant and don't feel ashamed. They chose to ignore one of the thirteen million books written about the "right way" to handle your pregnancy. They don't let some doctor infect them with fear about what they can or cannot eat and they certainly don't give a damn about Oprah.

They do what they feel is right because that is how humanity has always gotten along. The cavemen did it and everybody who came after did it and they did it without doctors or Oprah.

Now I know a lot of you are saying, "Reid, that is horrible that they drink beer when they are pregnant! They are silly people and their children are probably going to turn out crazy."

Maybe so.... but compare Australia's crime rate and educational scores with the United States and then tell me how silly they are.

Our country may be a superpower, but were superstupid.

Don't let doctors tell you what to fear. Just eat, drink, and be merry because this life is but a vapor.

Post Script: I don't mean be a drunk or eat until your a beast. I just meant to enjoy yourself in moderation and don't let people dictate how you live your live.

The Miracle of Fast Food

This isn't going to be one of those blogs that recant how bad fast food is for you. Throw facts at you like, "Did you know that 48 Milk Cartons contain the same amount of calories that are in One large fry?"

No Thank You

The reason I am not doing that is because everybody knows how bad fast food is for you. It just is. It just is. It's like cigarettes, warning labels that have skull and crossbones on them are everywhere, yet it doesn't hinder people from indulging. It feels good, fast food feels good. How rewarding is it that you can come home from a day of work and walk into a restaurant, wait about 1 1/2 minutes, each one of the best meals of your life, pay less than 5 dollars, and fall asleep instantly at home or in the car on the way home. Or you slip into a coma at Mcdonald's.Cause let's face it, barely anybody can stay awake after you each a lot of this stuff. It's like Nyquil. Yet, instead of being in a baby cup its in the form of a delicious cheeseburger. Also, instead of waking up in the morning all groggy, you feel pretty average. You may have painful bowel movements, or a bad cough, and overtime most likely will develop heart disease, but hey....don't the pro's outweigh the con's? That's debatable.

I know there are some of you who have your mind set that a Mcdonald's Big Mac is a harbinger of Satan, but for the rest of us....Why do we love it so much? Fast Food such a widespread epidemic?

Hiccups: Minor Inconvenience or Death Sentence?

I know that is a pretty intense title, but this is a very important post. I am bogged down with homework right now so I don't have time to write a long-winded story that will warm your heart. But, I was visiting BBC news online and I found an article about a man who was getting an operation to cure his hiccups.

At first I was like, really? Really?

I get hiccups maybe four times a year and even then I have never considered surgery during the seven minute bouts in which they occur. I immediately though this man was dramatic like a lady that wears Uggs. I know I made a hasty generalization, but come on, Uggs? Why were they made? To show you who to stay away from. Don't get mad, deal with it, I already have.

Back to the story. It appears this man gets the hiccups every two to three seconds. That is why this story really got me. Hiccups aren't really painful, just really annoying. It would be like watching all the seasons of Laguna Beach. You can do it, but why the hell would you want to?

Anyway, read this article and let me know. Could you live with the hiccups? Why or why not?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lincolnshire/7387224.stm

Bill and Hillary

Well....Today I was bored and I decided to surf internet videos. I happened to stumble upon a new interview with Bill O'Reilly and Hillary Clinton.

Now, I am one of those Americans whom believes that Hillary Clinton is.......not quite human. She is just kind of creepy. However, that is only because of what I see on TV. Yet, she kind of suprised me when she was on Bill O'Reilly's TV show.

First of all, I have to give her some respect to even go on O'Reilly's show. Bill O'Reilly is a shock Jock plain and simple. He is loud, makes bad points, and threatens people of not being American when things don't go his way. In my mind, he is akin to Howard Stern. They just say outrageous things to get people to listen. Hence why Howard Stern has millions of listeners and why Bill O'Reilly has millions of listeners. People may say, but Reid! O'Reilly does talk about sex, he talks about politics. Just because he talks about politics doesn't mean what he says isn't ridiculous.

Now I kind of understand why Hillary Clinton doesn't show a lot of emotion. Can you imagine going on a show and berated by stupid questions? She has to be tough and she has to be strong. In the video that I found and post below, I believe Hillary stood her ground.

Bill just threw loaded questions at her and when he didn't like the answer he accused her plan of being Socialist. Accusations like that are really fantastic and not to mention smart. When you hear the term "Red Scare" doesn't it just make you think of Puppies and Lilacs? No, you think of people like Bill O'Reilly. Scared whiners whom when things don't go their way, make outlandish accusations just for attention.

I'm sorry, I know this is a random post. I don't really claim to know politics that well. I don't really know what Hillary or Obama stand for in and out, but I do know what a bad interviewer looks like and I am really happy that Hillary didn't put up with his crap.

What do you guys think about the interview?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQnQjV4sovE&feature=related

It's a Shame

There are reasons for everything. Reasons why the sun sets when it does. Reasons why certain dogs bark and while others remain docile and congenial. Reasons why some people, mostly children without their consent, chose to watch the film "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium." There are reasons for everything and we will never understand all of them.

It's the way God works. It's the circle of Life. It's the way the cookie crumbles. It is....what it is.

If You Will...

I know it is a odd way to start out a blog. Yet, I am trying to find reason. Reason as to why Saturday Night Live cast members have a hard time transitioning into normal entertainment life.

While I cannot and will not take the time to go into all former SNL cast members. I am will use some examples to show that Saturday Night Life cast members have a hard time functioning outside of their Saturday Night Lives.

Before we start, I just have to say that I love SNL even though it seems to have taken a turn for the worse after Will Ferrell left to make a carrer out of rehashing annoying characters in movie after movie after movie. (Again, I tread lightly because I love Will Ferrell on Snl and Anchorman but come on....Talladega Nights? Blades of Glory? Semi-Pro?)

I'm getting off track. I love Saturday Night Live, but these hilarious people who make this show what it is cannot get their crap together when it comes to the real world.

First Example:

Eddie Murphy - While he was on top of the world in the 80's as an SNL cast member. The 90's and so on have proved that he is a complete and utter disaster. While his early films such as Beverly Hills Cop 1 though 3 put money in his bank account, it didn't do much for his credibility as an actor. However, I have to admit I like this movies and won't bash on them. Let's not get ahead of ourselves though, because the latter half of the 90's gave us a slew of films that showed us what Eddie was truly made of: A burnout. Holy Man. Bowfinger. Nutty Professor. I-Spy. Daddy Day Care. and let's not forget his crowning achievement, Norbit. In which he not only starred in, he also produced, wrote it, and pretty much did anything he could for a bigger paycheck. Even when he did have a somewhat interesting role in Dream Girls, he stormed out of the Academy Awards when he didn't win best actor. Which is really sad because that was and most likely will be the only time he comes close to winning an award. Yet, as always, he is a failure.

Next Example:

Dana Carvey- First and foremost I think this man is hilarious. His stand up is outstanding and he is just a hoot for me. However, my personal love for him couldn't stop him from making "The Master of Diguise." However, he learned his lesson and pretty decided not to make a film after that so I have to say we all make mistakes, but he still made "The Master of Disguise."

Next Example:

Jim Breuer - hahahahaha

Next Example:

Dan Ackroyd - While we may all love Dan. He has had one of the worst transitions of all. He didn't even start off promising. While he did Blues Brothers in 1980 which is a cult classic, he has also done "Pearl Harbor" (I know...horrible...right), "Earth Vs. Spider", Brittany Spear's "Crossroads", "Christmas with the Kranks", and last and certainly least "I know pronounce you Chuck and Larry." I cannot even go on, this is too depressing.

Next Example:

Molly Shannon - She was in "Superstar" right? I don't know. Did you see it? I didn't! I bet you did. Well....If not you then who? I guess nobody? She's gross.

Next Example:

Chris Kattan - Undercover Brother, Santa's Slay, Corky Romano, Monkey Bone. This man may have it the worst.

While I don't want to go on because I am sure you guys stopped reading long ago. There is one exception to the mix.

Steve Martin - While he has had his moments of stupidity, Cheaper by the Dozen 1 & 2. He did make the Jerk and Planes Trains and Automobiles. Also, he picked up a writing career that has saved him from a lot of things. Overall, he is ok in my book.

This blog is wayyyy to long. I have made my point

Jimmy Fallon

This post was inspired by Jonny Hutchinson giving me the following information:

"Jimmy Fallon is NBC's first choice to succeed Conan O'Brien as "Late Night" Host"

Really NBC? Jimmy Fallon? You really had nobody else?

This is a really hard post because to know some people enjoy the childish and depressing antics of Jimmy Fallon, but I need to get this out anyway.

Jimmy Falon is ridiculous and terrible. I have no idea why he is popular at all. He is terrible...terrible..terrible.......................................................terrible

Some people have explained to me that they like him because he laughs during sketches.
I'm sorry but that isn't funny, that is an inability to act. Sure he has been in funny situations and he has been a witness to comedy, but he has never been the source.

You know how when you are laughing and you see other people laughing and it keeps you laughing for a lot longer than you should? Jimmy Fallon is just that guy who is always laughing. He makes you laugh because you see someone else laughing, you don't really know what else to do so you just sit and laugh with him. That is why he is popular, cause he keeps us laughing without knowing why. He himself is a joke and a sad one.

Here comes the ultimate test whether Jimmy Fallon is funny or not. Jimmy Fallon is really funny in _________.

We have already established that he isn't funny on Saturday Night Live and he just laughs, we cannot use SNL as an example. So Jimmy Fallon is funny in? Taxi? Fever Pitch?

Let's face it, he is a sad human being. Yet, maybe he will succeed as a late night host. Maybe he will just laugh the whole time and after a half and hour everyone will just start laughing and you'll pass out while watching it. When you wake up, you'll wonder if that is all he does and you'll keep watching the show. Thus the vicious cycle continues.



Its hopeless. Jimmy Fallon is not funny.

Disclaimer: This is a Rant and Shouldn't be taken to Seriously

This isn't a normal post, I just had a moment of inspiration.

Weezer

We have all heard the name. In one way or another we have all been touched by one of their songs. Whether it is lovingly touched by their early ballad, "Say it Ain't So" or whether you have been touched inappropriately by their song, "Beverly Hills" we have all been touched. I say inappropriately touched because if that song really touched your heart then your a better man than I am, cause I just don't get it. BUT I AM GETTING SIDETRACKED!

There are have been thousands and thousands of bands polluting our airwaves ever since the first radio broadcast in 1906. Bands such Daughtry and Ashlee Simpson have given people the false idea that they know what good music is. In the old days, there wasn't the internet and small labels producing any band that had a catchy hook. It was a longer process and that is why bands like the Beatles and Led Zepplin succeeded and continues to succeed 50 years later. They were a conscious choice from the record industry that this was a solid band and their record deserved to be put out.

Now a days, that Daughtry fella yelled "ITS NOT OVER!" in a catchy fashion and 300 record labels started yelling, "Let's release it, someone will buy it."

I get it, I am highly romanticizing the record industry and the stupidity of the American people. I know it is not that clean cut, I am just trying to make a point. Good bands in this current generation are few and far between.

That is why we have so many flavors of the week. Also, now that Itunes allows consumers to buy a single track from an artist, people are encouraged to be one hit wonders. Isn't that horrible? A record is supposed to be a cohesive element that needs to be heard from start to finish. Now that bands are ditching this idea and focus on being the number one song on Itunes, the music industry is in slow decline. It's not the consumers fault, its the big wigs, they screwed us all when they made this behavior ok.

However, when I put in a Weezer record, I still get hope for the future.

Think what you want about them, All their albums, even their duds, are superior to what most bands are putting out now a days. They make albums! The only exception to this is Beverly Hills, which I have nothing to say to that.

The Blue Album starts off with "My Name is Jonas" and ends with "Only In Dreams" These are probably the strongest tracks they have ever written and are bookmarks to overall one of the best albums ever made.

Then came Pinkerton. Originally meant to be a Space Rock Opera, this album critically and financially bombed when it first came out. There was a huge backlash because it was seriously kind of a creepy record. River's lyrics are about his fascination with young Japanese girls and how Sex rules his life. While this may turn you off initially, this is by far their best record and as time went on everyone started to feel the same way. Rolling Stone actually changed their review a couple of years later and put it in their Musical Hall of Fame.

I really don't feel like I should get into the rest of the albums because I am sure most of you hadn't gotten this far. This is an insane rant. So I am just going to let the cover of their new album speak for me.

I actually don't care if you listen, they are a golden gem of a band.

The Silver Lining

This going to be short and too the point.

I think Bluetooth Headsets are fantastic. Not because they let me talk without having to use my hands, cause that was getting old fast, but because I know that Insane people benefit from them too. 3 Years ago, When a person would be talking out loud in public, everyone used to stare and say to themselves, "What the hell is wrong with that man? Just talking to himself like that! What a crazy person!" Or they would just giggle and how do you think that made the crazy person feel? Probably pretty bummed.

However! The release of these new Bluetooth Headsets have allowed people to get used to the idea of talking out loud. Now if someone is talking out loud people think he is just on the phone.

Do you realize how great this is?! Crazy people can roam the streets freely talking as loud as they want. They can have louder and better conversations with the "friends" that only they can see! And why must it only be one invisible friend that he talks to? Why not hundreds? These new headsets have allowed people from all walks of life, mostly the crazy ones, talk without guilt.
They can talk for hours about why mayonnaise tastes like toothpaste if it has been on the sidewalk for week! This is groundbreaking!

So do yourself and the crazy people around you a favor and buy a Bluetooth Headset. You will still feel important and it will only cost you around $50. Which is way better than the latest mac gadget, the Mac Book Air, or as I like to call it "A Bad Idea". This computer costs around $1800 and is just downright silly.

To Sum it Up:

Headsets help crazy people feel better about themselves. It's that simple
=

Ohio is for Losers

We all like Hot Topic right? Probably not. Yet, while we can rely on them to manufacture and sell clothing that is extremely displeasing to the eye, we apparently cannot trust that their clothing is factually acurate. Case in Point: Ohio is for Lovers

This shirt....plagues me. As we all know the plague was a severe epidemic that wiped out thousands of people. While this shirt most likely hasn't caused the physical death of many, it certainly has left millions of people clinically brain dead. How you ask? Because there is no way you would desire to purchase this shirt unless you had a severe mental lapse or your brain just melted completely.

I mean, why? What does it even mean? When I feel in love, my mind doesn't fondly drift off to images of Ohio. Eating Potatoes, Humidity, Eating Wheat, Not having electricity or the key to happiness - these are all the things I equate with Ohio, not love.

What are you trying to tell people by wearing this shirt? With a piece of clothing you are usually trying to show something about yourself. For instance, if you wear a UC Santa Cruz shirt, you or a family member most likely attends that school. Therefore you are likely to have an affinity for the school and want to show people that. Another point, If you are wearing a dress from Guchi, you most likely have way too much money on your hands. On top of this, you probably only feel valued if you can spend what a normal man earns in a couple months, just on one evening's formal attire. Both of those examples express something about themselves that they are trying to get across to another person.

Yet, what are you trying to express with Ohio is For Lovers. That you feel Ohio is a place of lovers? If its so wonderful and love is truly one tractor ride away, then why are you here at a Mcdonald's in California? Doesn't Make Sense. But, I'm not done.

Love has been and will most likely always be coupled with Marriage. Cause what do you do when your in love? Get Married. That's just what you do. However, In 1998 Ohio's Divorce rate was 46,042 divorces per year. While North Dakota and South Dakota combined has an annual divorce rate of 4,678 divorces per year. That means that the Dakota's combined have 41,364 divorces less than Ohio and you could almost fit four Ohio's in the space that North and South Dakota take up.

I know that was very arithmetical (This is a real word), but I am just proving, like yogurt, that there is no reason for this product. There is just simply no reason to have an Ohio is for Lovers Shirt. If you didn't quite understand everything. Read it again, it makes sense. Then go burn your T-Shirt cause I can see right through it anyway.

Spectacular Historian

I know this is a bizarre post, but something has haunted me the past couple nights.

In my class that I am currently taking called, American/Japanese Memories of WW2, the class is going over the process of remembering and how social memory is constructed. Pearl Harbor is a good example. Right after Pearl Harbor, everyone was up in arms wonder how the heck something as destructive as this could have happened on our shores. Some felt that it was the Roosevelt administration's fault because they were trying to get a "backdoor" into WW2. Since the general public would have never joined such a war of this magnitude just for valor, it made sense that the government let Pearl Harbor take place in order to justify entering "The Great War."

Others, felt that we were just a nation that wasn't ready. We were a "sleeping" nation and need to step up our security. Hence why the Central Intelligence Agency and other things of this nature were born.

Overall, there were many different theories of why this happened. All of these are important because we still to this day do not know how this happened. We need to keep asking questions, not seek after an official apology from Japan like we did in later decades. I mean come on, we are looking for them to apologize for bombing one of our military zones, while we went on to drop the atomic bombs on two places in Japan that were entirely civilian. It doesn't seem fair.

HOWEVER! THIS IS NOT WHAT BOTHERS ME!

As time went on, Pearl Harbor began to get pushed in the back row of our brains. Life went on, other wars happened, so it goes. Yet, Pearl Harbor has not remained something to be studied, it has been made into a part of "Spectacular History."

On Memorial day of 2001, Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor opened up to enormous crowds all over the world, even in Japan where some of the dialog was altered to prevent controversy. Now, most people of this generation have seen Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor and it has shaped their memory of this event. Since the general public are not avid historians, mass media spectacles are all they have to look to for important events such as Pearl Harbor.

What really bothers me is that it appears that Michael Bay has become the common man's historian.

Is that scary to anyone else? Does anyone else feel differently? I know these are just my thoughts, but I wanted to know how you guys feel about this. Let me know!



Michael Bay AKA The Devil

Too Much Time on My Hands

Although this is not a life changing or sincerely thought provoking post, I just want to address the issue that some people are awesome. These people, usually have way too much time on their hands and create something that is truly Awe inspiring. However, they always get overlooked because....well... I don't know why they get overlooked. Yet, on this blog, we will take a look at these geniuses that make America what it is today, creepy and bizarre. Let's have a look see

First Example:
Melanie Coles, 22, loved the 'Where's Waldo?" books so much that she took the character out of the books, and into our hearts. By hearts, I really mean Google Earth. Coles painted a large Waldo on the roof of her apartment so that way people can look for Waldo's friendly face on Google Earth. To me, this is awesome. This is an idea that would only seem to come to you when your the opposite of sober. Yet, she thought about it, took time off of not working, and made her dreams come true. Check out the picture below



Congrats, Melanie.

I will post more examples of people that are awesome in the near future. If you have any examples in awesomeness, post it in the comments. These people need to be seen and heard about. Cause while it's simultaneously depressing and interesting, there is a dash of fun mixed in there and thats what counts. I am a total loser

Baby Baller's

Like most people whom are consious, there are a lot of things in America that perturb me. While things such as Tyler Perry's fame used to be in the forefront of my mind as very disturbing, it is starting to be taken over by the idea of the Brand Name. If you have a tv or have been outside your house in the last 100 years, you will notice that brand names are quite a big deal to the American public. They are important for two reasons. 1) Is that sometimes the more well known brands offer a more quality product. For Example, a pair of "Levi's" jeans may last longer and be made of a more comfortable material than from the "Kurt Duggan's Jean Machine" company. This, to me, is understandable.

The Second reason is that people like brands name because
it makes people feel better about themselves and unconciously gives them a feeling of superiority. To me, this is really depressing. A perfect example of this is Louis Vuitton. While I do not know a member of the Vuitton family and cannot say anything bad about the man himself, his products serve absolutely no purpose what so ever in this world. One of his pursues or handbags, however you spin it, costs about $1,180. I would pray that any normal person would look at this and laugh. However, there are a privileged few whom think it is completely economical to spend that much money on something that holds your wallet, keys, and possible Chihuaha that wears a blue cardigan. I just don't get it.

While this Brand Name thing has always bothered me, I have always pushed it into the back of my mind. Yet, while I was listening to NPR last night, I heard about the newest Brand Name product that was sweeping the nation. Upon hearing this news, I pulled over my car to wait out the oncoming conniption fit that was soon to take place . Bug-a-Boo has released a baby stroller that is $800 dollars. While I know some of you are saying, "Can you put a price on your sweet and precious baby?" I don't know and frankly I don't care if you can because your not doing it for the baby, you are doing it for you. The baby doesn't give a damn if you push it in a padded shopping cart, as long as your not dragging it on the ground. Your doing it so you can have the Brand Name, which carries with it the rewarding experience of momentary envy from people who otherwise would have nothing to do with you because it clear that you make horrible decisions.

Is there any reason for this? Can anyone help me? Please help me understand this!

I Heart Guns

I am not sure how I feel about the news of Charlton Heston's death. It is kind of shocking. I mean he is such a revered actor and Gun Toting badass that I don't really know how to feel. He brought life to the roles that he portrayed on film and probably took the life of many people by encouraging more people to own guns.

What do you guys think?

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

Spring Break. We need a break. We all do. College students everywhere just need one week where they can just sit and do nothing. Maybe a bit of drinking. Maybe a main-line a little PCP. You know, guy stuff. Doesn't matter what we do or where we do it. This week is for me.

This is the ideology that surrounds spring break. MTV shows us from Cancun just what college spring break is all about.....Bad Decisions. Any channel, not just MTV, has their own idea of what a real spring break is and they all revolve around poor decision making. While TV and other facets of college life tell us that drinking, sex, and drug use are what making up the bulk of bad decisions made on spring break, that is not entirely true. I have abstained from all of the above, yet have made truly truly bad decisions during this spring break.

During this epoch, I first veered off course when I purchased the ever addicting Rock Band for the Xbox 360 Console. I don't even have an Xbox. Yet, I thought it would be a swell idea to buy this anyway. What makes this worse is that I had a moment of realization amid this temporary insanity. I had the Rock Band in both of my hands, because it is way too large to fit in just one hand, and I looked among my fellow Costco shoppers. Hundreds of people, some can barely meet the sustenance level in their finances, buying food for their families. I saw this, took this in, but still walked out with the game.

After this, I chose to spend some mornings just drinking coffee and watching Kathy Griffin specials. I could go on with how I spend other days but I fear I may be too dismayed to even reminisce about yesterday's sluggish endeavors.

The point is, that you don't have to be an alcoholic, a sex addict, or a coke head to unappreciated the life you have been given. You can do it by being selfish and not spending every waking second showing love to.....well....anyone.

The week is not over...do something that makes someone, anyone, feel loved. Please....also, don't buy Rock Band.

A Meditation on Yogurt

I, Reid Volk, am going tackle a topic that is very difficult. I do know full well that this may turn my friends, family, and possibly my local Yoplait dealer against me. Yet, I do feel like I need to address this issue....so here it goes...

I do not understand why people put Yogurt into their bodies. Notice that I did not say eat or drink. This is because you cannot eat or drink Yogurt, you ingest it.

If you say that you eat yogurt your fooling yourself. While some may make the chewing motion while this stuff is in their mouth, there is nothing to chew. It will say this again because it is something that needs to be repeated...There is nothing to Chew! You might as well try to drink it, but ah Ha! my next point!

You cannot drink this stuff either. It's just a tad too thick. One company tried to market a drinkable yogurt and I was so angry that I held my breath until I passed out. Drinkable yogurt is really just Vitamin D Water, or Dairy Water. Neither of these are comforting to me and that is why I don't buy this filth.

In Essence, you ingest it. In order to do that, one must grab a spoon or a spork (Thank God some people still find this a useful utensil). Then, one must dig into the plastic container to retrieve this "food." Which is a whole other reason not to touch this stuff, how demeaning is it that you have to take a least a half hour to dig into a container, just to enjoy this product. It's homework in a cup and nobody likes homework. Once, you get this stuff out, you then have to put it in your mouth and your mouth has to decide what to do with it.

While a person could just tilt their head back and experience this gelatinous mold slither down their throats, most people prefer to just push it around with their tounge until it is in a position to swallow.

On top of this, what is the point of putting it in your body?

There are very few calories, so you cannot claim your ingesting it just to get some good calories in you. Also, If you claim that your eating it because its a low calorie snack, then your an idiot because while it may be low in calories, its not filling. If its not filling then its not worth eating because then as soon as your done, its like you never ate anything at all. Tylenol is more filling and at least you won't have a headache afterwards from trying to figure out why the hell you ate it in the first place.

Overall, yogurt is filth. There is no reason why anyone should eat it. If you really feel like you must get your yogurt "fix". Then dig your fingers in the container and rub it on your tounge because other than that, yogurt is absolutely worthless.

Worthless

Unadulterated Time, That's All I Ask

I really hate growing old. Not so much for the mushy skin and insatiable urges to get coffee at Macdonald's at all times of day (Seriously, look at an old person at Macdonald's, chances are they have a piping hot cup of coffee)

No, the reason I hate growing old is that friends don't really like to hang out, they like to "meet." It's never, "Come on over, lets eat bugles and watch Outbreak backwards so it looks like the people are getting better" anymore. Growing older reduces it to, "Hey man, I have some time from 12 - 1 tomorrow. Want to grab lunch?"

Grab lunch? I can grab lunch any time of day. Grab lunch means touching food in an abrasive manner, not two people spending valuable time together. Also, I never feel like I want to meet someone if they want to "grab lunch". They are going to eat at that time anyway. I don't want to have to try to steal attention away from your club sandwich. If you really cared about getting together with me, you would say, "Let's hang out and maybe we can fit in a blooming onion at Chilis if time permits."

If you want to see me, see me. Don't include me into your daily schedule. It doesn't show that you care at all. It just says, "hey you mean a lot to me, I am just unwilling to fit you into my schedule."

That's all I have to say about that

The Beatles Place in History

Why them? While Then? Why Now?

How are they just seen as probably the most universally lauded band on this earth? Was it just the time period? Was it the music? Or was a lost generation looking for something to give them hope and the Beatles were it?

This is sad because I am going to one day be considered a "historian" and I am already starting to think like one. While the Beatles write absolutely beautiful music that is in itself "timeless", I believe the culture of that period made them the legends that they would be for generations after John Lennon was killed.

When the Beatles were creating music, America was in neckdeep in the turmoil of the communist scare. Father Russia was breathing down our necks and like a teenager, we weren't giving into his demands no matter how horrific the stakes were. This was also the hayday of the Civil Rights Movement and things weren't looking up.

So when the Beatles touched American soil for the first time in 1964, we needed them.

Khaliq Nizami states that, " Once a social idea appears at such a stage of human suffering it grips the masses and becomes a material force. "

While someone could say it is a stretch to think that the Beatles were a social idea, I don't think it is a stretch at all.

It seems that the phrase "All you need is love" isn't dormant on most people's minds.

At that time, people were just looking for love. No War, No Segregation. While you cannot make that general assumption for all strata of society, it was enough of the population to make the entire idea of the 1960's that of uprising and reformation.

The "war" in Vietnam is over. Minorities have the right to vote. Yet the ideas of the Beatles still spark the nations interest. While a familiar tune can go a long way, the idea of hope and love that encompase the Beatles music is timeless as long as we are alive. For there is a new war and the struggle for civil rights is far from over even though it isn't as actively in the limelight.

In the midst of all of this, all we long for is love. All we need is love, even when it seems so out of reach. That is why I believe the Beatles live on to this day and will spark the minds of generations to come.

I am not an expert on anything, if you have any comments or disagree, let me know.