My Interview With Santa, Part 1

This is part 1 of my interview with Santa. If there were a Santa and I was lucky enough to secure some of his time.

Caution: This interview is riddled with notes about my own personal experience so just know that there is a major bias.

Transcript as follows:

(Santa sits in a bright blue comfortable chair that I picked out from Ikea just for this occasion. It takes a while for him to get comfortable and throughout the interview he never seems to be able to sit still. He looks a bit disheveled, as though he just woke up from a 14 hour nap(coma). However, his magical glow still seems to be intact and he is by no means drab.)

Reid: Good Evening Mr. Santa
(Sidenote: Santa only agrees to conduct this interview in the late night hours. When I inquire further as to why this is, he erupts with nervous laughter and tip toes around the question. All I can get out of him is that he feels that the sunlight, "Burns." Upon hearing this, I attempt to lighten the mood with the comment that he must be a vampire since the sunlight "burns" him. Santa's laughter halts as soon as the vampire comment leaves my mouth. There is a about thirty seconds of silence before Santa states, "I don't believe in vampires." After pondering the irony in that statement for about a minute, I figure we have gotten off track enough and decide to truly begin the interview.)

Santa: Good Evening to you to Reid. (Santa's very cordial)

Reid: It's a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance, you being very famous and all.

Santa: I understand. (Again, very cordial)

Reid: First off, Are you riding the Obama Train or are you a Mccain kind of man?

Santa: Who?

Reid: Sorry, nevermind

(This political question disaster didn't help Santa's incessant fidgeting. I am starting to think his diet consists mainly of Espresso Beans.)

Reid: Alright, in hopes to dispel internet rumors that are running rampant in the "Blogosphere" (A bit of laughter ensues), Is it true, Mr. Santa, that you were in the First World War?

Santa: Well, this certainly dates me, and I haven't dated in years!
(I am not sure what Santa was trying to get at, but this attempt at a humorous play on words didn't impress me one bit and I did not indulge him with laughter)

Santa: (Continuing) Anyway, as I was saying this dates me and shows that I am very old, but indeed I was a chef in the "Great War." I was part of Baker Company. I used to joke with my friends that I was the "Baker of Baker Company." This didn't seem to amuse anyone but me though and with all the rationing that was happening with grains during this time, it was nearly impossible to bake anything. I was just forced to make chow, which consisted of fried fatback mixed in with lake water. On top of that, I was transfered to another company later on that year so that joke died....as did a lot of my friends.

(That last comment was a hard fastball that I didn't see coming. Who would have known Santa had lots of hidden pain. From then on there was a somber elephant that seemed to be in the room with us the rest of the time, and I didn't like it one bit. I knew I had to change the subject...fast)

Reid: How are things going around the Pole? (Of course I was referring to the North Pole, I found that slang is conducive to keeping the atmosphere fun and casual.)

Santa: Things...Things are good. (Coughing,wet hacking coughs) Well, the North Pole is still a beautiful place to live. Quiet, cold, good place for a family, my wife and I love it dearly. However, I don't know what is to become of it with this scare of Global Warming. My wife and I recently saw "An Inconvenient Truth," which was a feat because most Dvd players don't work in the temperatures we live in, however the film certainly did strike a cord with us. What will become of our rivers of ice? Our...

(Santa ranted on for some time about the destruction of his home. Although I wanted to provide him solace, I kept thinking how hard it would be on him if he had to move to to the United States. He would most likely hate it here and I don't feel as though the citizens would be too welcoming of him. His decision to wear red all day with big black boots would surely be mocked by the American citizens who adhere to all of the incoming and out coming trends. Santa would never give up his black boots for Ugz. Poor guy. Not to mention his weight problem, I bet all of his friends sardonic commentary on his fatty appearance would surely get to him. Soon the public would see him at Weight Watchers meetings every weekend. I am sure he would end up losing all that "unsightly" weight in a year. Then instead of kids happily staying up late to see a Jolly old fat man coming down their chimney, kids would stay in bed just so they won't have to witness the emaciated man in a red suit that is way to big for him struggle to carry the giant bag of toys down the chimney and eventually pass on the milk and cookies left out for him because he had already used up all of his "food points" for the day.
And the paparazzi, they would have a field day. He would slowly be driven to insanity and be seen hanging out with Lindsay Lohan or adopting children from third world countries. I don't know everything, but I do know that life would be hard for Santa in America)

PART TWO OF MY INTERVIEW WITH SANTA WILL COME SOON!