My Interview With Santa, Part 1

This is part 1 of my interview with Santa. If there were a Santa and I was lucky enough to secure some of his time.

Caution: This interview is riddled with notes about my own personal experience so just know that there is a major bias.

Transcript as follows:

(Santa sits in a bright blue comfortable chair that I picked out from Ikea just for this occasion. It takes a while for him to get comfortable and throughout the interview he never seems to be able to sit still. He looks a bit disheveled, as though he just woke up from a 14 hour nap(coma). However, his magical glow still seems to be intact and he is by no means drab.)

Reid: Good Evening Mr. Santa
(Sidenote: Santa only agrees to conduct this interview in the late night hours. When I inquire further as to why this is, he erupts with nervous laughter and tip toes around the question. All I can get out of him is that he feels that the sunlight, "Burns." Upon hearing this, I attempt to lighten the mood with the comment that he must be a vampire since the sunlight "burns" him. Santa's laughter halts as soon as the vampire comment leaves my mouth. There is a about thirty seconds of silence before Santa states, "I don't believe in vampires." After pondering the irony in that statement for about a minute, I figure we have gotten off track enough and decide to truly begin the interview.)

Santa: Good Evening to you to Reid. (Santa's very cordial)

Reid: It's a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance, you being very famous and all.

Santa: I understand. (Again, very cordial)

Reid: First off, Are you riding the Obama Train or are you a Mccain kind of man?

Santa: Who?

Reid: Sorry, nevermind

(This political question disaster didn't help Santa's incessant fidgeting. I am starting to think his diet consists mainly of Espresso Beans.)

Reid: Alright, in hopes to dispel internet rumors that are running rampant in the "Blogosphere" (A bit of laughter ensues), Is it true, Mr. Santa, that you were in the First World War?

Santa: Well, this certainly dates me, and I haven't dated in years!
(I am not sure what Santa was trying to get at, but this attempt at a humorous play on words didn't impress me one bit and I did not indulge him with laughter)

Santa: (Continuing) Anyway, as I was saying this dates me and shows that I am very old, but indeed I was a chef in the "Great War." I was part of Baker Company. I used to joke with my friends that I was the "Baker of Baker Company." This didn't seem to amuse anyone but me though and with all the rationing that was happening with grains during this time, it was nearly impossible to bake anything. I was just forced to make chow, which consisted of fried fatback mixed in with lake water. On top of that, I was transfered to another company later on that year so that joke died....as did a lot of my friends.

(That last comment was a hard fastball that I didn't see coming. Who would have known Santa had lots of hidden pain. From then on there was a somber elephant that seemed to be in the room with us the rest of the time, and I didn't like it one bit. I knew I had to change the subject...fast)

Reid: How are things going around the Pole? (Of course I was referring to the North Pole, I found that slang is conducive to keeping the atmosphere fun and casual.)

Santa: Things...Things are good. (Coughing,wet hacking coughs) Well, the North Pole is still a beautiful place to live. Quiet, cold, good place for a family, my wife and I love it dearly. However, I don't know what is to become of it with this scare of Global Warming. My wife and I recently saw "An Inconvenient Truth," which was a feat because most Dvd players don't work in the temperatures we live in, however the film certainly did strike a cord with us. What will become of our rivers of ice? Our...

(Santa ranted on for some time about the destruction of his home. Although I wanted to provide him solace, I kept thinking how hard it would be on him if he had to move to to the United States. He would most likely hate it here and I don't feel as though the citizens would be too welcoming of him. His decision to wear red all day with big black boots would surely be mocked by the American citizens who adhere to all of the incoming and out coming trends. Santa would never give up his black boots for Ugz. Poor guy. Not to mention his weight problem, I bet all of his friends sardonic commentary on his fatty appearance would surely get to him. Soon the public would see him at Weight Watchers meetings every weekend. I am sure he would end up losing all that "unsightly" weight in a year. Then instead of kids happily staying up late to see a Jolly old fat man coming down their chimney, kids would stay in bed just so they won't have to witness the emaciated man in a red suit that is way to big for him struggle to carry the giant bag of toys down the chimney and eventually pass on the milk and cookies left out for him because he had already used up all of his "food points" for the day.
And the paparazzi, they would have a field day. He would slowly be driven to insanity and be seen hanging out with Lindsay Lohan or adopting children from third world countries. I don't know everything, but I do know that life would be hard for Santa in America)

PART TWO OF MY INTERVIEW WITH SANTA WILL COME SOON!

My Love to Admire

I know this is late. But Amazon Mp3 once and a while has great deals. Tonight, they posted Interpol's "Our Love to Admire" is up for 2.99. Maybe you don't know Interpol, or what you have heard hasn't been very swell.

However, this is an amazing album and its only three bucks. Give it a chance. Seriously.

This is a silly post, but seriously Interpol,amazing band,Our Love to Admire, amazing album, Reid, amazing blogger.

You cannot go wrong. Check it out

Don't Touch

I just have to say something. My sister in law is pregnant. I mean really pregnant. While that is life changing and all that jazz, It got me thinking about how pregnancy is not only a violation of your body from your inside, but more importantly the outside too.

I get it, the baby is your baby. So your not going to care that is taking up all the room that your vital organs use to have. That is not the problem.

Most people see a pregnant belly as an open invitation for petting. I am not saying that I have ever been pregnant or that I know what it is like, but I have been around enough pregnant people to know that a lot of people feel like it is ok just to come up and rub their hands all over the swollen stomach. Again, I have never been pregnant, but I am sure that out of all times in my life, that is not the time I really want a lot of people touching me.

Other than that, I've got nothing else.

Go see the Dark Knight

My Osment Moment

Something horrible happened yesterday

I was in my Intro to Lit class when I realized that I misplaced my writing utensil. This didn't phase me until the teacher asked the class to complete a writing assignment. After a brief panic attack, I asked the girl in front of me if I could use a pen. There was a verbal response, I think, and shortly after she handed me the pen. I was so happy. That moment restored my faith in humanity. War, Genocide, Hunger...these were all thrown to the curb because this little act of kindness made me forget about the bad things in the world. In return, I wanted to do something nice for someone else. I desired to "pay it forward" if you will. I wanted to be like Haley Joel Osment without the DUI and marijuana possession charges.

However, as soon as my little "Osment" moment came, it went.

The girl that lent me the pen uttered two words that changed my life.

As soon as she handed me the pen she said, "Keep It"

At first, I thought to myself, "What a sweetheart! Me? Keep It? Oh, I don't think I could do something like...Thank You"

Yet, after thinking about it I realized that she didn't want it back because she probably thinks that I am a filthy human being. After my vile hands touched her precious Bic Pen, how could she ever take it back?

What did I do? It really cut me to the core. I felt helpless. Like Haley Joel Osment must feel like right when he thinks about his career.

You know, I enjoyed the Sixth Sense, but never when I first saw it did I think him and I would have so much in common.

Perplexed by Chinese Food

Those who read my blog know that although I believe there are important issues that need to be discussed, I seem to always seem to write about the little things that irk me in life. For some reason, as I was about to go for a run today my mind somehow stumbled upon Chinese food. At first I thought to myself, "Chinese food, Why would I think of that? How silly of me!" However, that thought quickly changed to, "Chinese food...What is Chinese food? Why is Chinese food?

I really don't know. Nor do I have the time to research all of the possible things that haunt the kitchens of your local Panda Express, I do know that places such as Panda Express explicitly boast about the fact that their food does not contain MSG (Monosodium glutamate). This scares me a bit. This means that MSG, which has a well known reputation for wrecking havoc on the human body, is a mainstay in the Chinese food community. Since it is such a prominent ingredient in Chinese food, places such as Panda Express have to boast that this chemical doesn't reside in their customer's sweet and sour pork. Maybe this doesn't freak anyone else out. I just don't like that a particular type of food restaurant has to constantly promote that their food won't cause people to have an early death. I mean come on, that should just be a give. Food sustains life and restaurants shouldn't have to constantly have to earn the trust of their customers. Yet, most people do not heed these warnings and they indulge their hunger for Kung Pao chicken. These are most likely the very same people who still think Phen Phen was a fantastic achievement in medicine.

Speaking of Pills, I think a bottle of pills is just about as filling as a couple of containers of Chow Mein. On top of that, they are probably equally as lethal.

I know there are some communists out there who will probably be appalled at my condemnation of Chinese food. However, I am not saying that it is the worst thing out there. I am very aware that places like Mcdonalds and Taco Bell are destroying people's chances at a healthy life. I just chose Panda Express because I have never seen a banner out in front of Taco Bell that read, "Come In! Tacos for under a Dollar! We promise you won't die!"

Tegan and Sara

I just found this band last night. I am like a giddy schoolgirl. I am going to a record store to buy their albums right now. I know this is crazy, but so far what I have heard is pretty darn amazing. I think my readers should know this too.

Tegan and Sara

Do yourself a favor