The Dentist Office

I, Reid Volk, took a friendly stroll to my hometown dentist yesterday. While I know that almost everyone has had their share of horrific experiences inside this house of pain, I am going to divulge to you the mental notes that I took down today during my visit.

First off, I was made aware that the dentist wanted to see me when they called my mother and told her that I was, "...due for a visit." When I first heard this, I accepted. Why Not I said to myself. The dentist is just something that we do. We are due there twice a year.
Yet, it dawned on me while I was in the chair that I don't like that the dentist is the only place we are "due." It as if at some time long ago we belonged to the dentist, but out of the kindness of their heart they agreed to release us into the custody of our parents. Their only stipulation being that we are "due" to come "home" twice a year so they can prod inside of our mouths with powertools. It is as if we are nothing but library books. Library books that can never seen to please, no matter how much we brush or floss. It is just never good enough.

Secondly, The lead vest. When the dentist desires to obtain pictures of your mouth, he lets his little minions do all of the dirty work. Already, I have a hard time trusting this "Dentist", so as you can imagine I have little faith in his indentured servants. Ostensibly, the lead vest that is placed on your chest is there to protect you from harmful rays that are misfired from the camera. This gesture usually provides a small sense of security all the way up until the nurse points the camera (death ray) at your head! On top of this, the nurse has to leave the room before she takes the picture. I don't know much, but I know this much is true, if the nurse has to leave the room before she is willing to operate a machine and that machine is within inches of your brain, a lead vest isn't doing anything. The vest is just there to hold you down.

Thirdly, if you look around the room that you are imprisoned, you will see examples of "good" and "bad" sets of teeth. This just made me wonder, how does one approach someone to ask if they could take a picture of their "bad" teeth. Do they explain to the patient that this photo is going to be displayed in offices across the world to show teens the havoc that can be wrecked upon their teeth if they wish to "go down that path." I feel like that would be a pretty hurtful conversation. However, I feel that if your teeth were that bad, you would have to know things like that were coming. I mean, ignoring your teeth to the point of where they rot out of your jaw has to almost take as much determination as lets say...writing your dissertation. It entails long and arduous hours of throwing hundreds of years of medical knowledge out the window and telling yourself that hygiene is for fools. Also, Whenever people gasp in horror the moment you open your lips, you have to lie to yourself and think "they were probably looking at something behind me, surely not my mouth. It is fine. It hurts, but it is fine. It bleeds constantly. But I am doing the right thing. I always cry when I try to eat, but I am totally being smart about this."
Also, Who are these people who have the perfectly beautiful and most photogenic teeth. I believe them to be dentures because as I stated before, you can never please the dentist. If the dentist ever said, "Wow, I really don't have to do anything, looks like you've really been letting your gums have it! They look fantastic! And your teeth...Sweet Mary...Somebody get a camera...heaven resides in this young man's mouth", I would think I was on punk'd and when Ashton came out...I would eat his face.

Lastly (is that a word?),
In the waiting room I was asked to fill out a form so that way the dentist would have updated information regarding my health. As I scanned through this litany of seemingly superfluous questions, there was one that caught my eye. On this delicate piece of yellow paper read the question, and I repeat: "Have you ever been diagnosed with TRENCH MOUTH?"
Even writing this now I am aghast at this question.

I have never even heard of Trench Mouth. The closest connection in my mind I could make to this was Trench Foot, Which is where you feet can itch and swell due to prolonged exposure to damp unsanitary conditions. Yet, I don't think there has been a case reported of this sense World War 1, when people were actually in trenches. Thank goodness I have never been in a trench, but I highly doubt that the inside of my mouth is akin to one. Maybe it is, I mean it is damp all the time. Unsanitary...maybe...I would like to say no, but frequent late night stampedes to my friend Mcdonald's house has me thinking otherwise. Maybe my mouth is a trench. I don't know how I feel about that. I just don't want to see myself in the future saying things like, "Man that burger looks soooo good. I can wait to put that in my trench."

Anyway, I will stop ranting about this place. I am sure it does a lot of good when people willfully desire to be there. Yet, I will never know what that is like. For even though I may despise the place, I will always dutifully comply when they tell me I am "due."